M4W Missed Connection Post FLAGGED my MSP Craigslist! WTF!

Ok, so this isn't a picture, it's something I wrote on Craigslist when I was bored. Also, this actually happened.

So there I was, just left the office, waiting to get on the 11C bus to get home. The 11 bus is never a quiet ride in the afternoon. In fact, Metro Transit should charge double for riding just for the sheer entertainment value of it's passengers. The fact that 18s and 25s and 10s outnumber the 11 one million to one is not a factor. I will wait for the 11. Whether it's rowdy high school students or smelly hobos who open the window to pass bus passes back and forth when it's -145 degrees outside, the 11 never disappoints. It's like Studio 54 in the 70s. For the rest of us anyway.

Then you came along.

I sat down on the bus and started reading my book, as I usually do,when I heard a remarkable string of profanities, followed by "I don't give a fuck, I ain't sharin' my seat." Now I've seen a lot of places and done a lot of crazy shit, but Minnesota isn't the place where I would expect to hear something like that on a bus. In a land where everyone smiles on the outside then slowly gets cancer my silently judging everyone, you are quite the rarity. And the fact that you wouldn't share your seat makes you even more unique.

I was entranced.

I put a bookmark in my book and sat there just listening to you. Now THAT was a feat in and of itself O dear beloved. When I read I have this mind shield that blocks any distraction, much like the shield of the Starship Enterprise. (Does nerd talk make you horny?) But I must say, accomplished novelist Stephen King has NOTHING on you babe. You shattered my mind shield and I was helpless. Especially since I didn't even get a look at the body that contained such a filthy mouth. "What on Earth could have gotten her so riled up?" I thought to myself. Well I didn't have to wait long because the answer came tumbling out along with several other colorful statements.

The clean version:

Your boyfriend cheated on you, then had the audacity to ask you to benice to him even though you weren't dating. Cheating is bad enough, but not even having the backbone to accept responsibility for your actions is beyond loathing. My heart goes out to you. He's a dog. Pure and simple.

The dirty version:

Your (ex)boyfriend fucked a fat bitch who is ugly. And you were all like "Did you bust a nut? Did you bust? He did not [allegedly] bust said nut, however he did fuck that bitch and suck on her fat ass saggy earlobes while I AIN'T SHARIN THIS SEAT I DON'T GIVE A F*@K!" And so on and so forth. By the way, what does busting a nut refer to? It sounds painful, like something that requires several hours of reconstructive surgery. I heard it once before in high school, but it was uttered by some kid who now has a drug addiction and three kids. I didn't ask him because I was trying to look cool by not asking and just laughing.

"Ha ha ha, bust a nut! Just like when I would watch Chip n Dale's Rescue Rangers at Gramma's house!"

Needless to say I wasn't very popular in high school.

But I digress.

You then remarked that you were going to go buy some weed then go home. Hell you had a hard day, I won't judge you for wanting to have a good burn and relax. Again, my heart goes out to you.

You were so mad that you also said you were going to show up to school the next day [ PLEASE for the love of God be in college ;) ] with a hickey and "looking like I just got F%&$D". I almost turned around right then and said something along the lines of "Hey baby, you in high school?"or "Yo shorty, you know what time it is?" or "Let's get high and make some babies." but I had to get home and I didn't want to roll into my apartment reeking of sex and weed. Some of us have a reputation to uphold.

As for the other bus patrons, they were all mortified! I could cut the tension with a butter knife and I honestly expected someone to say something, but they did not. I was amazed. Not only that no one spoke up, but that I seemed to be the only one enjoying your banter. I'm glad no one tried to get you to quiet down, because at that point my lust had reached such an apex that I was about to bust a nut all over that place. (Did I use that slang correctly?)

Just when I thought that my day was complete, you hung up the phone with your first friend, then proceeded to call someone else.

"Hi Molly (or whatever your friends name was). Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Duncan (or whatever your friend's mom is named), this is (whatever your name was). Will you please tell her that I called. Thank you so much. Goodbye."

I was stunned.

You really have quite the racket going milady. Not only are you from the mean streets of Minneapolis, MN apparently slinging crack to support yourself but you are playing two roles in this drama we call life. Well done. Everyone must be fooled by your clever ruse. Shakespeare couldn't create a character more complex than you my darling. Bravo.

You then proceeded to call another friend and go right back to your rant that would make a sailor blush. Regrettably at this point it was my stop. As much as I would have loved to stay on the bus to the end of the line to hear the same story again, I had to get home. As I was getting off I turned to get a look at you. Who could this siren be on 11C? I must have one glimpse at the visage of the fire of my loins.

MeOW baby.

So madam, if you're reading this, and not in high school, how bout it? I was the guy you probably thought had parkinson's from all the convulsing I was doing to keep from busting a nut. (I did it again!)

If not, I understand. Be safe my darling. Whenever I get on the 11 bus I'll look to the back and bust a nut thinking about you.
(I'm so WITH IT!)

PS Please don't flag this down Minnesota CLers. Who are you to stand in the path of true love?

PPS If she is in fact in high school, I'm 6'3" a Taurus, and a vegetarian. I enjoy art, music, living life and busting nuts with my grandparents. (Huggy Bear has NOTHING on me baby!)