Another slice of my life at my current temp gig.

So here's another slice of my life. I have this conversation with myself at least three times a day, and usually at these intervals. Notice how it's clear I haven't shaved in a while, but I keep the tie going. It's a clever contrast. It's all good though, since Friday is my last day. Hooray!

Tuesday Drawing Archive

Ian played Henry V in Henry V. With a huge package.

This is one of my favorites of Ian's. Krull is hilarious and awesome. Also this is probably Ken Marshall's day to day life.

Finally, we have mine. Ian gave me a challenge to draw a picture of a deleted scene from the kickass movie Cloverfield starring our mutual friend Jesse St. Louis, a foul-mouthed New Yorker who somehow wound up at our small Norwegian Lutheran college on the hill known as St. Olaf. I'm pretty sure my drawing depicts EXACTLY what would happen should Jesse have been in that movie, or even in NYC if a giant monster attacked.

Enjoy!

Ted in Asia #1

This will probably be the first in a series of stories from my Term in Asia trip in college. For five months, I went to Japan, China, Thailand & Vietnam. It was a life changing experience. However, most of the "life changing" aspects were also "emotionally scarring". This first pic is basically my entire experience in China. I weighed at least 300 pounds at the time and was very self-conscious about my weight thanks to the 12+ years of verbal abuse given to me in school. Wasn't high school awesome? Anyways, once I got to college people weren't OPENLY hostile anymore (instead they just made lots of assumptions about my intelligence based on my weight). Then I went to China.

In China, people are different. Now that probably sounds obvious but let me elaborate with an example. I was walking around China with some friends of mine and a woman came up to me and said something in Chinese. She asked me how old I was. "21" I replied. The woman laughed, then moved her hands up to her face as if to say "I caught a fish THIS big!" only she was actually saying "You are VERY fat! Good job!"

Needless to say I didn't enjoy China.

So this picture is something I doctored up fairly quickly last night. Tori Amos has a song called "China" which is why she makes a cameo in this blog entry. Enjoy it! There will be more traumatic stories from my childhood and Asia trip to come!

Theodore Turned Twenty-five!

Saturday was Ted's birthday! (Way to drop the ball on that one, Ian.) Ted, please accept this belated blog in tribute to your unholy birth. For the folks playing along at home who were sadly NOT in attendance on the night of 4/26/08, the White residence played host to several booze-toting guests/arch nemesi (& some folks who, I swear, got lost in the middle of Oakdale, heard our music from afar, and just decided "f#ck it; it's a party. Let's go."). There were crackers with cheese, wine, more cheese, gummy dinosaurs, a dancing robot, and KARAOKE. It was a wonderful evening. Ted, I hope you never forget it (except that I'm sure you will, since I slipped you that roofie right after all the other guests left).

Ted White: The Next Maytag Man?

So it was an overcast spring day in Chicago, Illinois. My friend Dave (he and his siblings have their own blog linked on the right) and I made plans to go to the open casting to become the next Maytag Man. We both are pretty cold hearted sarcastic bastards so we didn't expect much, although the prospect of being in commercials and getting paid 350,000 a year really appealed to us. We were ready to sell our standards for a hefty chunk of change.

The day of the audition, my roommate at the time asked if he could come along. We said sure.
The auditions were at Navy Pier, where there's no free parking and public transportation access is too much of a hassle. I decided to drive and we would all split the parking. When we arrived we filled out a form and they called us into a room in groups of five. Dave's side of the story is detailed on his blog, along with another one of my pictures.

THIS picture is from my room. Now when they called us in, they went down the line and asked us WHY we wanted to be the next Maytag Man. I would be the last person they asked in my group so I got to hear everyone's answer before they got to me.

This is what they said:

Person 1 (A middle aged portly balding man): I am really good at repairing things, I have about 10 years of experience in the field, and I can act sad really well! (People thought this was funnier than Jerry Lewis)

Person 2 (A non descript person, also middle aged): I have about 15 years of repair experience.

By this point I started to wonder WHY these people felt it necessary to have repair experience if the Maytag man doesn't actually repair anything. That's the whole point.

Person 3 (This older small man) launched into this speech about how he's been a repairman for 25 years and how much he enjoys it because when he fixes something and it works...it's like magic. And then he did this little flair like he was actually a magician. Also he was actually WEARING a repairman outfit. He brought his tools along too, just in case he there was a leaky pipe or clogged toilet. After his speech, one of the women asking the questions said, "You win." I didn't know if she was referencing the Maytag contest or if she was just commenting on how nice it is to repair something and have it work. I figured the latter, but by this point I was starting to roll my eyes at the self importance of the entire situation.

Person 4 also had 20 years of repair experience. What a surprise! I was beginning to wonder if I should just lie and say that I had 45 years of repair experience since my dad was a repair man for 45 years. (Not true, my dad is a financial planner.)

So finally, they get to me. And they ask the question: Why do you want to be the next Maytag Man?

And I don't know what got into me, but I asked: "You mean like, a repair man for Maytag...or the guy in the commercials?"

Pause.

Judge: Um. The man in the commercials.

Me: Oh, so I wouldn't ACTUALLY have to repair ANY Maytag Product? Because wasn't the whole point that the Maytag product never breaks and therefore the repair man is really bored?

Judge:....No, you wouldn't have to repair anything.

Me: Ok. We're square then.

And that was basically it. They asked me some half assed question about my interests and I said I enjoy knitting and yoga.

So we went out to wait in the lobby for the results of who passed the first round of auditioning. After about 20 minutes I found out that all the repairmen in my room passed the first round, and I did not.

So much for honesty.

Weird Fishes

All blog and no comments make Jack a lonely fish.

Ted, why do you get all the comments?

(And by comments, I mean "ladies.")

P.S. Please leave a comment.

A slice of a typical day at my current temp gig

So this is a typical day at my office. Notice how I'm the only one wearing a tie. I thought I would try to bring some class to this little office with only two other people.

It's not appreciated.

I would launch into some larger description of this picture but I think it's pretty self-explanatory. Thank God it's temporary.

Also I just found out that it's Administrative Professionals Day. Oddly enough I didn't get anything. Well, I guess I did get a hefty amount of attitude. So that's something.

Ted, Not Ted

So, I have a co-worker named Ted. It's not the same Ted as this blog's Ted. The Ted who works with me looks like the guy in that thought bubble, minus the crimped hair. I just wanted to clarify, so that nobody gets the two Teds mixed up.

Just FYI...to make it easier to tell the Teds apart, I think from now on I'll refer to this blog's Ted as some name other than Ted--such as "Captain [expletive deleted] Pants," or "[expletive deleted] McGee, Sr.," or "Bianca." I think that'll cut down on the confusion.

Lessons Learned Last Weekend

1. Don't get loaded when you have yoga class at 2PM the next day.

2. My office's scanner can't scan the whole sheet of a page from my sketchbook.

3. The State of Illinois is a dirty thief and liar that took my 12 dollars I sent them to give me a driving record. JERKS!

But more about #1. I showed up to yoga after a night of drinkin on Friday, and I could barely do child's pose. For those of you unfamiliar with yoga, it's basically an easier way to sit down. I could barely do it. My head was swimming and I was sweating out cheap tequila for two hours. A real nightmare.

And also my office's scanner can't scan all of my drawing! But it's okay, most of it is there. The "L" in "Lesson" is a little cut off, but that's ok. What do you want from me? You're getting free entertainment here! LEAVE ME ALONE!

It's Ian's birthday!

Happy birthday Ian. Your eyes will haunt my dreams.

M4W Missed Connection Post FLAGGED my MSP Craigslist! WTF!

Ok, so this isn't a picture, it's something I wrote on Craigslist when I was bored. Also, this actually happened.

So there I was, just left the office, waiting to get on the 11C bus to get home. The 11 bus is never a quiet ride in the afternoon. In fact, Metro Transit should charge double for riding just for the sheer entertainment value of it's passengers. The fact that 18s and 25s and 10s outnumber the 11 one million to one is not a factor. I will wait for the 11. Whether it's rowdy high school students or smelly hobos who open the window to pass bus passes back and forth when it's -145 degrees outside, the 11 never disappoints. It's like Studio 54 in the 70s. For the rest of us anyway.

Then you came along.

I sat down on the bus and started reading my book, as I usually do,when I heard a remarkable string of profanities, followed by "I don't give a fuck, I ain't sharin' my seat." Now I've seen a lot of places and done a lot of crazy shit, but Minnesota isn't the place where I would expect to hear something like that on a bus. In a land where everyone smiles on the outside then slowly gets cancer my silently judging everyone, you are quite the rarity. And the fact that you wouldn't share your seat makes you even more unique.

I was entranced.

I put a bookmark in my book and sat there just listening to you. Now THAT was a feat in and of itself O dear beloved. When I read I have this mind shield that blocks any distraction, much like the shield of the Starship Enterprise. (Does nerd talk make you horny?) But I must say, accomplished novelist Stephen King has NOTHING on you babe. You shattered my mind shield and I was helpless. Especially since I didn't even get a look at the body that contained such a filthy mouth. "What on Earth could have gotten her so riled up?" I thought to myself. Well I didn't have to wait long because the answer came tumbling out along with several other colorful statements.

The clean version:

Your boyfriend cheated on you, then had the audacity to ask you to benice to him even though you weren't dating. Cheating is bad enough, but not even having the backbone to accept responsibility for your actions is beyond loathing. My heart goes out to you. He's a dog. Pure and simple.

The dirty version:

Your (ex)boyfriend fucked a fat bitch who is ugly. And you were all like "Did you bust a nut? Did you bust? He did not [allegedly] bust said nut, however he did fuck that bitch and suck on her fat ass saggy earlobes while I AIN'T SHARIN THIS SEAT I DON'T GIVE A F*@K!" And so on and so forth. By the way, what does busting a nut refer to? It sounds painful, like something that requires several hours of reconstructive surgery. I heard it once before in high school, but it was uttered by some kid who now has a drug addiction and three kids. I didn't ask him because I was trying to look cool by not asking and just laughing.

"Ha ha ha, bust a nut! Just like when I would watch Chip n Dale's Rescue Rangers at Gramma's house!"

Needless to say I wasn't very popular in high school.

But I digress.

You then remarked that you were going to go buy some weed then go home. Hell you had a hard day, I won't judge you for wanting to have a good burn and relax. Again, my heart goes out to you.

You were so mad that you also said you were going to show up to school the next day [ PLEASE for the love of God be in college ;) ] with a hickey and "looking like I just got F%&$D". I almost turned around right then and said something along the lines of "Hey baby, you in high school?"or "Yo shorty, you know what time it is?" or "Let's get high and make some babies." but I had to get home and I didn't want to roll into my apartment reeking of sex and weed. Some of us have a reputation to uphold.

As for the other bus patrons, they were all mortified! I could cut the tension with a butter knife and I honestly expected someone to say something, but they did not. I was amazed. Not only that no one spoke up, but that I seemed to be the only one enjoying your banter. I'm glad no one tried to get you to quiet down, because at that point my lust had reached such an apex that I was about to bust a nut all over that place. (Did I use that slang correctly?)

Just when I thought that my day was complete, you hung up the phone with your first friend, then proceeded to call someone else.

"Hi Molly (or whatever your friends name was). Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Duncan (or whatever your friend's mom is named), this is (whatever your name was). Will you please tell her that I called. Thank you so much. Goodbye."

I was stunned.

You really have quite the racket going milady. Not only are you from the mean streets of Minneapolis, MN apparently slinging crack to support yourself but you are playing two roles in this drama we call life. Well done. Everyone must be fooled by your clever ruse. Shakespeare couldn't create a character more complex than you my darling. Bravo.

You then proceeded to call another friend and go right back to your rant that would make a sailor blush. Regrettably at this point it was my stop. As much as I would have loved to stay on the bus to the end of the line to hear the same story again, I had to get home. As I was getting off I turned to get a look at you. Who could this siren be on 11C? I must have one glimpse at the visage of the fire of my loins.

MeOW baby.

So madam, if you're reading this, and not in high school, how bout it? I was the guy you probably thought had parkinson's from all the convulsing I was doing to keep from busting a nut. (I did it again!)

If not, I understand. Be safe my darling. Whenever I get on the 11 bus I'll look to the back and bust a nut thinking about you.
(I'm so WITH IT!)

PS Please don't flag this down Minnesota CLers. Who are you to stand in the path of true love?

PPS If she is in fact in high school, I'm 6'3" a Taurus, and a vegetarian. I enjoy art, music, living life and busting nuts with my grandparents. (Huggy Bear has NOTHING on me baby!)

Meet Star

Ted here.

So my friend Star in Chicago and I used to chat online when we had office jobs. Star is a fiery ball of Cuban rage, and is always hassling me to draw her more pictures. So one night she was complaining (again) about not catching Lost because her TV is an asshole. So I drew this little number.

Enjoy.

Non-Smoking

So (this is Ian), I got a pen tablet for Christmas. This was my first lil' experiment, drawing without pen & paper. All digital. (The second experiment was the "Watchman" pic below.) I used Comic Life for the layout--and, as you can clearly see, there's only one real image, which is repeated throughout the frames. I'm lazy, I know.

Metaphor

I'm sure this means something to someone.

Not me, though. Nope.

Ian so crazy!

Ian doctored this up late last night.

I think it's hilarious.

In case you didn't notice, we're both pretty intense fanboys, and are really excited/apprehensive for the new Watchmen movie. (In case you haven't read Watchmen, stop what you're doing and go to Borders or Barnes and Noble or your local bookstore and secure a copy. It's PERFECT. I'm not exaggerating. It's a perfect comic book.)

Anyhoo, he made this and I think it's an accurate portrayal of our feelings.

Some art!

These are some random paintings I did. I like drawings!

One is a representation of my trip to Chicago, when I got drunk and belligerent in the middle, Star's play on the left (which starred the director and playwright in the leading role. He loved his play so much that he savored every syllable, rendering the play into a veritable orgy of self-congratulation and pretention.) Meanwhile on the right, Star was all shades of horny for my sexy ass, and I wasn't feelin' it.

The other is just something I doctored up. Kind of like a self portrait? Maybe not.

Crap I draw at the office when I get bored sometimes.

This was an actual conversation overheard at my office. Ian and I used to take every Tuesday to come up with a theme and send each other drawings about it. It was one of the few highlights of my otherwise mundane life.

Ian & Ted's Picture Pages is ONLINE

It has begun. These two bastards have finally gotten off their lazy asses and started writing a blog. God help us. This will be a site where we'll put our witty rantings and silly drawings online. More to come!