Ian & Ted Picture Pages

STRIKE!

2012-01-17T16:07:00.001-08:00

http://sopastrike.com/strike

Ian and Ted's Picture Pages is on strike!

2012-01-13T15:26:00.000-08:00

SOPA is a very real threat to our beloved internet.

January 18th we're going on strike!

Ian and I saw this coming, so in essence we've been on strike for about two and a half years now.

Many other popular websites (Reddit, Mozilla, etc.) will be on strike on Wednesday, January 18th.

Some further reading go to:

http://americancensorship.org/

http://americancensorship.org/infographic.html

http://fightforthefuture.org/pipa/

http://americancensorship.org/#quotes

To be honest, I kind of feel like the piano tuners local 412.

Surprise!

2009-03-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

I drew this pic for some coworkers. It took me about two weeks.

Not because of it's technical awesomeness, but because I'm a lazy bastard.

Everything starts with "T"

2009-02-21T16:20:00.001-08:00

My first assignment for my Children's Book Illustration class.

Italy!

2009-01-11T13:08:00.000-08:00

So I've decided to whore myself out.

2008-11-21T12:24:00.001-08:00

I have opened a tshirt store and I decided it would be a good idea to put some of my drawings on tshirts and try to sell them.

Check it out!

Ugh, I'm ashamed of myself.

Check that, I'll be ashamed of myself if I actually make any money.

My Super Girlfriend

2008-11-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

Evolution of Intelligent Design

2008-10-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well, Ted is busy having adventures in New York City, and I've been having some adventures of my own here in Minnesota. Most of Ted's adventures no doubt involve hookers, LSD tabs & giving false names to the NYPD, while mine have mainly involved my cat Lewis, whom I adopted two weeks ago. Needless to say, we've both been neglecting our blog for quite some time now, so I thought I'd share one of my recent design projects here--in sort of a step-by-step series that reveals a bit of my process in creating a graphic design. This one was for a theatre friend of mine, to be used for her acting/voice-over website.

Remember that time Ian and I both hijacked his iMac?

2008-08-14T19:32:00.001-07:00

But seriously, stop using this effect for your facebook pictures. You suck.

I showed Ian the wonders of photobooth, and this time we joined forces to create some wonderful pictures.

Remember that time I hijacked Ian's iMac?

2008-08-12T15:47:00.000-07:00

Ian and Jill were nice enough to let me stay with them for a week and a half before I leave for the big city to pursue my dream of not living in a frozen wasteland rife with Puritanical liquor laws. I used Ian's computer to take some headshots that are sure to launch me to fame and fortune in New York CITY!

Happy Birthday Mr. President. Your pal, Kanye West's white cousin, Ted West.

Here's a part where I'm pretending to be a tiger with glaucoma.

It was a hard winter back in '08...maybe someday we'll find our piece of the pie.

Kum & Go actually exists. No really, it does. They're all over the place in Wyoming. REALLY!

Shoot him! He's the real robot!

mmmCOMPUTER CLAN COMPUTER CLAN COMPUTER CLAN PICARD WAS MUCH BETTER THAN KIRK TEN MINUTES TO WAPNER MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

These two are both for my album cover when all my other dreams fail and I decide to become a Christian Rock Star.

Peace out Minnesota.

It's August!

2008-08-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

And who knows what this month will bring? Maybe fame and fortune. Maybe Ted will finally get off his lazy ass and finish that children's book. Maybe Ian will drop Ted like a bad habit the instant something better comes along. All we can say is that we'll get some more crap posted.

Also, I'm moving to New York City in September. My time in Minnesota is at an end, and after the past 3 years, I'm ready for the big city. In the meantime, enjoy this lovely picture of Ian and I, and we'll start up this bloggy nonsense soon enough.

MS Paint Coloring

2008-07-15T21:47:00.001-07:00

I labored over the hot laptop that belongs to my parents today to create this fine specimens. Notice the varied color palette. Aren't you jealous of my digital design prowess?

Photoshoppe Colouring

2008-07-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

I own the computer that was built by Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs

2008-07-05T18:29:00.001-07:00

My computer is made of granite and I launch my internet application by chiseling MS Dos language into it with a sharpened bone fragment and a rock.

Seriously.

Sean Wendt: He's the man. He's the MAAAAAAAAN.

2008-07-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

Kind of.

This is my roommate.

He looks exactly like this.

Happy Birthday America!

Another heartbreak

2008-07-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

I probably was fishing around some deep seated emotional scar tissue when I came up with this one.

Enjoy my pain!

Ooh, Sexy Boy

2008-06-29T14:51:00.001-07:00

I tried some colored pencils this time. This guy looks kind of like my high school psychology professor who really hated my wacky antics.

Collaboration: Part II

2008-06-20T16:12:00.000-07:00

This is another doodle that Ted, Corby and I (Ian) made together over a couple beers last weekend. I decided it would be fun to color it and make a 3-panel strip from our sketches. Ted did the sun, I provided the moon, and Corby is responsible for that slut, Mother Earth.

Preggers

2008-06-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

This is Ian, posting on behalf of Ted. While he does NOT have access to the internet at his new job, Ted DOES have access to everything he never wanted to know about his coworker's womb. Hang in there, Ted.

Collaboration!

2008-06-19T10:26:00.001-07:00

What do you get when three astonishingly brilliant forces combine to create a collaborative work of genius? Well, frankly, we don't know either. But at least we tried. Twice. P.S. Ted is the Scrabble king, and the M***y P*g got OWNED. ;)

A little something different

2008-06-12T17:03:00.001-07:00

Being unemployed, I have a lot of free time that I spend on the internet. Thanks to fellow video game junkies like myself, I have stumbled across a game from my childhood that I forgot. A game that is so epic it broke the casing of the NES cartridge with sheer awesome power. A game with a story so heartrending and beautiful, I still get misty eyed thinking about it. A game that will forever be remembered as the greatest.

The game is BAD DUDES.

I know what you're thinking, and let me assure you, the game is just as great as it's title makes it sound.

Now while I have posted a video of the game being played courtesy of youtube, I do want to point out some of my favorite gems.

Number 1:

One of the first things I learned about writing a good story was grabbing the audience's attention. Some random stranger who is hanging out at the DMV getting his photo taken claims that the President (of the United States we can only assume) has been kidnapped. By ninjas. Tom Clancy must be spinning in his grave.

What's that?

Really?

Huh.

Honestly though, if a random stranger in a bomber jacket looking like he just got his eyes dilated at the optometrist came up to me and told me that some Japanese assassins kidnapped the President, I would probably scoff and say, "The President was kidnapped? BY NINJAS? Awesome. But in answer to your question, Random Stranger, yes. I am a bad enough dude to rescue the President."

Number 2:

You can play as either Blade or Striker.

Not only are these dudes bad, they're also American Gladiators. (Mental note, think tank a movie script about American Gladiators saving the President. From ninjas.)

Number 3:

Now I was never very good at video games when I was a kid. I never had the patience to constantly try and try and try and try until finally I got the satisfaction of my pixelated character in the TV winning his epic battle against evil. In fact, the only games I beat when I was younger were:

Chip n Dale's Rescue Rangers, and

The Little Mermaid.

Anyway, courtesy of the internet once more, I can now see the final screen of Bad Dudes. Finally! After years I get to see how this game finally ends! Are Blade and Striker victorious in rescuing the President from Ninjas? Let's find out!

Uh.

Hmm.

Well, I guess I should be glad I never spent the time to try and beat this game. Thanks for rescuing me dudes, now let's go get a burger? Oh Mr. President, your sardonic wit and sharp sarcasm constantly keep me on the toes. Hey wait a minute, is that the British flag in the background? Did we just rescue the Prime Minister instead of...wait...of course! It was all an elaborate ruse by the British Government to rescue their head of state! I knew that burger line was forced! CURSE YOU ENGLAND! CURSE YOU TO HELL!

I would like to end this post by describing the scene of playing this game with my younger brother. I was 7, he was 5. We rented the game and spent the entire car ride speculating about how bad the bad dudes really were.

Me: "I bet you can get nunchucks!"
My brother: "I bet you can fly!"

We were ready to rock and roll with our karate bad dude action. We literally played the game for about 20 minutes, at which point my dad came into the room, saw that the President was kidnapped by ninjas, and said, "This game is stupid. Why on Earth would you waste your time with this?" At which point we returned the game to the video store. So when I said earlier that I didn't devote the time necessary to beat the game, what I really meant was my parents were very careful about what kind of entertainment I was allowed to enjoy.

They also didn't let me read comic books. I read the novelizations of comic books.

I wish I was kidding.

Dawgs

2008-06-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

My aunt in Texas commissioned some work as a gift for one of my cousins (they're his dogs). So, I figured I'd scan them before I give them away this weekend. The one in the bitchin' shades is Bug, and below him is Ruby. Both drawn with a nifty 2B Medium charcoal pencil. Woof.

From Ian's Sketchbook

2008-06-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, so here's a little sketch I made last night. I might color it in Photoshop later, but for now...here it is: fresh, raw, unadulterated. Like sushi.

What have I been doing? I'm unemployed and using Ian's scanner. PS Thanks Ian.

2008-05-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

Again, unemployed, using Ian's scanner. Here's some drawrings!

I thought it would be fun one day to sit in a park in NE Minneapolis and draw the scene in front of me, eventually I realized that the architecture left much to be desired. So I deviated from the straight drawing and did something else.

Here's me ANIME STYLE!

This describes what happened at a Chipotle in NE Minneapolis. I saw a guy wearing a tshirt with three people: Karl Marx, Lenin, and Chairman Mao Zedong. Again, at a Chipotle. I know. WTF? I bet that if I asked him he would have rolled his eyes at me because he is a stupid hipster who's angry about his parents paying his rent. Also I'm sure he works part time at a record store selling old vinyls to stupid poop farts who are dumb as a fart.

The Dark Blog Returns

2008-05-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought Ted & I had given up on this blog.....WE'RE BACK!

I'm currently reading Frank Miller's (no relation) Batman: The Dark Knight Returns for the first time, and I was majorly inspired to draw a Batman of my own. So I did. I sketched it fairly quickly, but then spent several hours coloring the damn thing. Please enjoy. Oh, also highly recommended among comics is Y: The Last Man, which Ted has got me hooked on. TED, I NEED THE NEXT ISSUE. K, thanks.

Alas, I have no scanner. But being a hardy knave I do have MS Paint.

2008-05-10T16:32:00.001-07:00

More secret projects are coming. This gem shall tide you over. This is basically my plan for this evening. I'll sit in my apartment and get loaded while I read the comic books that I bought today. I would like to thank President Bush for giving me money to spend on comics and booze. Without you Mr. President, none of this would be possible.

PS. Don't draft me!

Some stuff is in the works. I promise.

2008-05-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

We have some stuff in the works. I promise. I currently don't have access to a scanner (bummer) and those wacky Valento kids have me working on some other secret projects.

I had this vision of me being REALLY productive while unemployed. You can blame Niko Bellic and his ridiculously entertaining adventures on the mean streets of Liberty City.

More is coming soon!

Fun with Craigslist (Part 2)

2008-05-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

So I was going through some old emails today when I stumbled across this gem from 2006. I was working a late shift at my old glamorous bankruptcy law firm job and one of my coworkers left their iPod at work. Being the good samaritan I am, I promptly posted an ad in the barter section of Chicago's Craigslist. What transpired kept me entertained for some time. The people who cruise the barter section are really top notch.

Enjoy.

So my coworker left his ipod at work today, his loss is YOUR GAIN!

What I am looking for is some cool shit. Any cool shit will do. Have a vintage Hall & Oates t shirt? (Did you know that they are TWO people?) Sure! How about a kitten? The more distempered the better! Maybe some old gym shorts! Want to consolidate your music collection? Sure! Just give us all the old CDs, cassettes, 8 tracks, and tape recorded bootlegs from your singing phase as a child you have lying around and let's make a deal!

Many other uses as well! Get your very own missed connection by pretending to listen to bad music on the EL! Those ladies will be all over your trendy patootie! Or men too! Even both! Replace the missing tile in your bathroom! Add a trendy and musical tile to the boring cream color in your shabby studio. Become the life of the party with this bartered ipod! You can even make stuff up about how you got it! Don't say it was bartered! Say it was won in a knife fight! The fruits of knife fights are great conversation and one night stand starters! Slovenly? Add a touch of the ipod to brighten any appearance, ranging from yuppietastic to just brushed my teeth with a dookie hungover! Yes the flexibility of the iPod will surely be marked in the annals of history for some time!

Many years in the future when our race has been enslaved by the Wonkatanians in their salt mines/candy factories one of our descendants will find this ipod and marvel at it's petite glory before they are whipped and thrown into the furnace! Man what a BARTER!

Hurry! Offer ends when my coworker comes to work tomorrow and asks me where his iPod is.*
You have until I leave work or my conscience catches up with me.

*The ipod even covers bad grammar on CL posts.**

**Not really.

this is in or around Loop
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

In response to this ad, here are some of the responses received...

>>You are twisted. However, I feel compelled to make you an offer in hope that your conscience has not gotten the better of you. I will give you two replica aunt Jemima box things for the ipod. Right now, I keep onions in them. It seems to me you could use them for something, possibly to keep dirty Polaroids of yourself. You can also fill them with your favorite snack and then use them as discussion starters at parties. Whatever. I would send you pics, but CL says the files are too big. I think it's because God hates me. Anyhoo, they are super cool. See, here's the thing. My daughter is an aspiring straight edge, emo kid. Her look will not be complete until she can listen the whining, shrill screams that she so enjoys on an ipod. I'm sure she will tell people she got it as a reward from PETA for saving a dying pigeon from certain death. If you decide to do the right thing, meaning give me this ipod, I may buy her a tshirt that says "my mom pimped out Aunt Jemima for my ipod".To sweeten this deal, I also offer a used Norah Jones CD and an unopened Good Charlotte DVD. Please contact me as soon as possible. I will be on through out the evening checking out cock picks on casual encounters.

(This lady sounds like a real catch. Too bad she has a goth rock daughter, it's more romantic comedy than I would like in a relationship.)

> ill give you unopened sopranos season 5 and the> shield season 3>

> BVLAQUA,
Thank you for your interest and the generous offer of The Shield Season 3, and Sopranos Season 5. Unopened no less! While the iPod has been claimed (by a very generous offer from my coworker for my safety and the chance to keep my job) let me give you some advice. When offering a trade for an ipod with thousands of songs on it, it might be more beneficial to throw in some porn. Really hot porn. With lots of freaky deaky.

Cheers,

Edmund.

(I have yet to receive an offer that includes porn.)

>> >> Hey there,
>> >>>> >> How about a bunch of burned Cds or Dvds?
>> >>>> >> Let me know.. :)
>> >>>> >> Thanks!
>> >>

(My response)
Kate,>> >>> >
Thank you for your interest in the iPod. While my coworker has since tracked me down to retrieve his iPod, I was wondering if you are currently recruiting crew for your vessel. Avast I be a hearty lad that will swab yon poop deck with a lusty fervor. Ye sound like a fair ruler with an iron will and a vast collection of frilly shirts.

Yar!

Bluebeard.

(I didn't expect to get anything back from that. I was wrong)

Hey there,
Too bad the iPod is gone.. :(
Are you looking for f/t work, or just side jobs? I can't provide any work for you (just got a job myself), but I can offer you some possibilities in the suburbs if you're looking for f/t. :)

Kate

Actually I already have a job as well. I work as a midshipman on the good ship lollypop. My typical day entails swabbing, grub slinging and data entry. Thanks for your offer, and have a great day.

Peace,

Sandro

lol.. You're funny.

Okay, you take care too, and let me know if you find any more iPods.. ;)

(This lady sounds like a real catch. If you like that whole blank stare type thing. Now comes the best one. If you have an iPod you can get some really primo shit off of this guy.)

EMAIL 1

Hmmm, what do i have? I've got records. How do you feel about classic rock? How do you feel about a 10-record grab bag? We're talking Beatles, Led Zeppelin, ACDC, etc. What else.....umm....a super nintendo? Those are pretty awesome. You want my advice... I think you should go with the records. I'll make sure they're good ones. Oh, and I'm conveniently located in the loop and i'd be happy to pick it up.

(response)
J,
Thank you for your interest. As you can probably ascertain from the posting, my coworker has already contacted me and will be asking for his iPod back. I apologize for the "tease", but let me assure you, of all the replies I recieved, your shit is by far the coolest (one person even offered "burned CDs and DVDs") Right. Anyways, stay loose, be cool, and never underestimate the power of cool shit like a laser tag set and a grab bag of records. What you should do, is post your cool shit online and see what people will offer. Maybe you can wrangle up your own set of burned DVDs and CDs! Thanks again,

Franklin

EMAIL 2
Other things I have:
A really cool Back to the Future pennant from Universal Studios from the early 90's
A video cassette of GI JOE The Movie
A jack-o-lantern dodgeball ball
Two packages of Peeps Cocoa Bats from three halloweens ago
Three 8 oz cans of Candy Corn flavored soda
A first generation Game Boy Advance with Bomberman
An autographed Stryper bible!!!
C'mon how can you say no to that!!?!???!!!!??!!?!?

EMAIL 3
Star Wars Monopoly?
A case of Budweiser?
A crappy vase from Ikea?
Sega CD system with absolutely no games?
A VHS cassette of the 80's classic "RAD" about bmx biking?
A bmx bike?
A wall clock of some kind of japanese cartoon?
A "Biobug" sans remote control?
A pretty nice edition of Gray's Anatomy?
64 slightly used Crayola crayons?
I think that's everything I own.

(response)
Also,
I have seen Rad, and that movie's reputation precedes itself. While tempting to alienate my coworker and entire office staff after he tells them what transpired, I think that the adventures of the BMX bikers is a fair trade for an ipod that is someone else's. Thanks again,

Ian

EMAIL 4
LASER TAG!!!I've got two sets of the newest edition which consists of the gun and these glasses with a microphone and sensor or something.

That is all.

RESPONSE FROM JUSTIN!!!!
I expected as much, but a part of me was hoping that you were actually a real asshole with a weakness for other people's pop culture junk. Cheers.

J, sometimes I wish the same thing. I bet I would get a lot more action that way. And while I do have a weakness for pop culture junk, I also have aweakness for having things of value. Ah well,
Peace.

Franklin

I am Iron Man!

2008-05-02T06:35:00.000-07:00

This picture basically illustrates the pandemonium that occured at a promotional screening of Iron Man on Wednesday. But wait! Didn't the movie come out on Thursday at midnight Ted? It sure did faithful readers, but yours truly has connections! Ok, fine I just mooch off friends with real jobs. Shut up.

I think this pic sums up the general attitude of me, Ian and our friend Bret. We were giggling like middle school girls at a Hannah Montana concert. After the movie, I even emailed my mom and told her she would love it. She really likes comic movies for some reason.

Go see Iron Man.

The Deal of the Century

2008-05-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

So an otherwise slow day at work was livened up by a gentleman who called to sell me his building. At first I tried to pass him off, but his speech was slurred to a comic degree. I think the first rule of salesman school is "Don't get completely loaded and then cold call people to sell your building that's located right off the highway."

According to our friend, this building is going for 2.5 million dollars, and is "explosion proof", although I bet you could get it for the low low price of a case of Stroh's and a fifth of Phillips vodka.

Email if you are interested.

Another slice of my life at my current temp gig.

2008-04-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

So here's another slice of my life. I have this conversation with myself at least three times a day, and usually at these intervals. Notice how it's clear I haven't shaved in a while, but I keep the tie going. It's a clever contrast. It's all good though, since Friday is my last day. Hooray!

Tuesday Drawing Archive

2008-04-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

Ian played Henry V in Henry V. With a huge package.

This is one of my favorites of Ian's. Krull is hilarious and awesome. Also this is probably Ken Marshall's day to day life.

Finally, we have mine. Ian gave me a challenge to draw a picture of a deleted scene from the kickass movie Cloverfield starring our mutual friend Jesse St. Louis, a foul-mouthed New Yorker who somehow wound up at our small Norwegian Lutheran college on the hill known as St. Olaf. I'm pretty sure my drawing depicts EXACTLY what would happen should Jesse have been in that movie, or even in NYC if a giant monster attacked.

Enjoy!

Ted in Asia #1

2008-04-29T06:33:00.000-07:00

This will probably be the first in a series of stories from my Term in Asia trip in college. For five months, I went to Japan, China, Thailand & Vietnam. It was a life changing experience. However, most of the "life changing" aspects were also "emotionally scarring". This first pic is basically my entire experience in China. I weighed at least 300 pounds at the time and was very self-conscious about my weight thanks to the 12+ years of verbal abuse given to me in school. Wasn't high school awesome? Anyways, once I got to college people weren't OPENLY hostile anymore (instead they just made lots of assumptions about my intelligence based on my weight). Then I went to China.

In China, people are different. Now that probably sounds obvious but let me elaborate with an example. I was walking around China with some friends of mine and a woman came up to me and said something in Chinese. She asked me how old I was. "21" I replied. The woman laughed, then moved her hands up to her face as if to say "I caught a fish THIS big!" only she was actually saying "You are VERY fat! Good job!"

Needless to say I didn't enjoy China.

So this picture is something I doctored up fairly quickly last night. Tori Amos has a song called "China" which is why she makes a cameo in this blog entry. Enjoy it! There will be more traumatic stories from my childhood and Asia trip to come!

Theodore Turned Twenty-five!

2008-04-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday was Ted's birthday! (Way to drop the ball on that one, Ian.) Ted, please accept this belated blog in tribute to your unholy birth. For the folks playing along at home who were sadly NOT in attendance on the night of 4/26/08, the White residence played host to several booze-toting guests/arch nemesi (& some folks who, I swear, got lost in the middle of Oakdale, heard our music from afar, and just decided "f#ck it; it's a party. Let's go."). There were crackers with cheese, wine, more cheese, gummy dinosaurs, a dancing robot, and KARAOKE. It was a wonderful evening. Ted, I hope you never forget it (except that I'm sure you will, since I slipped you that roofie right after all the other guests left).

Ted White: The Next Maytag Man?

2008-04-24T07:21:00.000-07:00

So it was an overcast spring day in Chicago, Illinois. My friend Dave (he and his siblings have their own blog linked on the right) and I made plans to go to the open casting to become the next Maytag Man. We both are pretty cold hearted sarcastic bastards so we didn't expect much, although the prospect of being in commercials and getting paid 350,000 a year really appealed to us. We were ready to sell our standards for a hefty chunk of change.

The day of the audition, my roommate at the time asked if he could come along. We said sure.
The auditions were at Navy Pier, where there's no free parking and public transportation access is too much of a hassle. I decided to drive and we would all split the parking. When we arrived we filled out a form and they called us into a room in groups of five. Dave's side of the story is detailed on his blog, along with another one of my pictures.

THIS picture is from my room. Now when they called us in, they went down the line and asked us WHY we wanted to be the next Maytag Man. I would be the last person they asked in my group so I got to hear everyone's answer before they got to me.

This is what they said:

Person 1 (A middle aged portly balding man): I am really good at repairing things, I have about 10 years of experience in the field, and I can act sad really well! (People thought this was funnier than Jerry Lewis)

Person 2 (A non descript person, also middle aged): I have about 15 years of repair experience.

By this point I started to wonder WHY these people felt it necessary to have repair experience if the Maytag man doesn't actually repair anything. That's the whole point.

Person 3 (This older small man) launched into this speech about how he's been a repairman for 25 years and how much he enjoys it because when he fixes something and it works...it's like magic. And then he did this little flair like he was actually a magician. Also he was actually WEARING a repairman outfit. He brought his tools along too, just in case he there was a leaky pipe or clogged toilet. After his speech, one of the women asking the questions said, "You win." I didn't know if she was referencing the Maytag contest or if she was just commenting on how nice it is to repair something and have it work. I figured the latter, but by this point I was starting to roll my eyes at the self importance of the entire situation.

Person 4 also had 20 years of repair experience. What a surprise! I was beginning to wonder if I should just lie and say that I had 45 years of repair experience since my dad was a repair man for 45 years. (Not true, my dad is a financial planner.)

So finally, they get to me. And they ask the question: Why do you want to be the next Maytag Man?

And I don't know what got into me, but I asked: "You mean like, a repair man for Maytag...or the guy in the commercials?"

Pause.

Judge: Um. The man in the commercials.

Me: Oh, so I wouldn't ACTUALLY have to repair ANY Maytag Product? Because wasn't the whole point that the Maytag product never breaks and therefore the repair man is really bored?

Judge:....No, you wouldn't have to repair anything.

Me: Ok. We're square then.

And that was basically it. They asked me some half assed question about my interests and I said I enjoy knitting and yoga.

So we went out to wait in the lobby for the results of who passed the first round of auditioning. After about 20 minutes I found out that all the repairmen in my room passed the first round, and I did not.

So much for honesty.

Weird Fishes

2008-04-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

All blog and no comments make Jack a lonely fish.

Ted, why do you get all the comments?

(And by comments, I mean "ladies.")

P.S. Please leave a comment.

A slice of a typical day at my current temp gig

2008-04-23T06:38:00.001-07:00

So this is a typical day at my office. Notice how I'm the only one wearing a tie. I thought I would try to bring some class to this little office with only two other people.

It's not appreciated.

I would launch into some larger description of this picture but I think it's pretty self-explanatory. Thank God it's temporary.

Also I just found out that it's Administrative Professionals Day. Oddly enough I didn't get anything. Well, I guess I did get a hefty amount of attitude. So that's something.

Ted, Not Ted

2008-04-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

So, I have a co-worker named Ted. It's not the same Ted as this blog's Ted. The Ted who works with me looks like the guy in that thought bubble, minus the crimped hair. I just wanted to clarify, so that nobody gets the two Teds mixed up.

Just FYI...to make it easier to tell the Teds apart, I think from now on I'll refer to this blog's Ted as some name other than Ted--such as "Captain [expletive deleted] Pants," or "[expletive deleted] McGee, Sr.," or "Bianca." I think that'll cut down on the confusion.

Lessons Learned Last Weekend

2008-04-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

1. Don't get loaded when you have yoga class at 2PM the next day.

2. My office's scanner can't scan the whole sheet of a page from my sketchbook.

3. The State of Illinois is a dirty thief and liar that took my 12 dollars I sent them to give me a driving record. JERKS!

But more about #1. I showed up to yoga after a night of drinkin on Friday, and I could barely do child's pose. For those of you unfamiliar with yoga, it's basically an easier way to sit down. I could barely do it. My head was swimming and I was sweating out cheap tequila for two hours. A real nightmare.

And also my office's scanner can't scan all of my drawing! But it's okay, most of it is there. The "L" in "Lesson" is a little cut off, but that's ok. What do you want from me? You're getting free entertainment here! LEAVE ME ALONE!

It's Ian's birthday!

2008-04-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday Ian. Your eyes will haunt my dreams.

M4W Missed Connection Post FLAGGED my MSP Craigslist! WTF!

2008-04-18T11:49:00.001-07:00

Ok, so this isn't a picture, it's something I wrote on Craigslist when I was bored. Also, this actually happened.

So there I was, just left the office, waiting to get on the 11C bus to get home. The 11 bus is never a quiet ride in the afternoon. In fact, Metro Transit should charge double for riding just for the sheer entertainment value of it's passengers. The fact that 18s and 25s and 10s outnumber the 11 one million to one is not a factor. I will wait for the 11. Whether it's rowdy high school students or smelly hobos who open the window to pass bus passes back and forth when it's -145 degrees outside, the 11 never disappoints. It's like Studio 54 in the 70s. For the rest of us anyway.

Then you came along.

I sat down on the bus and started reading my book, as I usually do,when I heard a remarkable string of profanities, followed by "I don't give a fuck, I ain't sharin' my seat." Now I've seen a lot of places and done a lot of crazy shit, but Minnesota isn't the place where I would expect to hear something like that on a bus. In a land where everyone smiles on the outside then slowly gets cancer my silently judging everyone, you are quite the rarity. And the fact that you wouldn't share your seat makes you even more unique.

I was entranced.

I put a bookmark in my book and sat there just listening to you. Now THAT was a feat in and of itself O dear beloved. When I read I have this mind shield that blocks any distraction, much like the shield of the Starship Enterprise. (Does nerd talk make you horny?) But I must say, accomplished novelist Stephen King has NOTHING on you babe. You shattered my mind shield and I was helpless. Especially since I didn't even get a look at the body that contained such a filthy mouth. "What on Earth could have gotten her so riled up?" I thought to myself. Well I didn't have to wait long because the answer came tumbling out along with several other colorful statements.

The clean version:

Your boyfriend cheated on you, then had the audacity to ask you to benice to him even though you weren't dating. Cheating is bad enough, but not even having the backbone to accept responsibility for your actions is beyond loathing. My heart goes out to you. He's a dog. Pure and simple.

The dirty version:

Your (ex)boyfriend fucked a fat bitch who is ugly. And you were all like "Did you bust a nut? Did you bust? He did not [allegedly] bust said nut, however he did fuck that bitch and suck on her fat ass saggy earlobes while I AIN'T SHARIN THIS SEAT I DON'T GIVE A F*@K!" And so on and so forth. By the way, what does busting a nut refer to? It sounds painful, like something that requires several hours of reconstructive surgery. I heard it once before in high school, but it was uttered by some kid who now has a drug addiction and three kids. I didn't ask him because I was trying to look cool by not asking and just laughing.

"Ha ha ha, bust a nut! Just like when I would watch Chip n Dale's Rescue Rangers at Gramma's house!"

Needless to say I wasn't very popular in high school.

But I digress.

You then remarked that you were going to go buy some weed then go home. Hell you had a hard day, I won't judge you for wanting to have a good burn and relax. Again, my heart goes out to you.

You were so mad that you also said you were going to show up to school the next day [ PLEASE for the love of God be in college ;) ] with a hickey and "looking like I just got F%&$D". I almost turned around right then and said something along the lines of "Hey baby, you in high school?"or "Yo shorty, you know what time it is?" or "Let's get high and make some babies." but I had to get home and I didn't want to roll into my apartment reeking of sex and weed. Some of us have a reputation to uphold.

As for the other bus patrons, they were all mortified! I could cut the tension with a butter knife and I honestly expected someone to say something, but they did not. I was amazed. Not only that no one spoke up, but that I seemed to be the only one enjoying your banter. I'm glad no one tried to get you to quiet down, because at that point my lust had reached such an apex that I was about to bust a nut all over that place. (Did I use that slang correctly?)

Just when I thought that my day was complete, you hung up the phone with your first friend, then proceeded to call someone else.

"Hi Molly (or whatever your friends name was). Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Duncan (or whatever your friend's mom is named), this is (whatever your name was). Will you please tell her that I called. Thank you so much. Goodbye."

I was stunned.

You really have quite the racket going milady. Not only are you from the mean streets of Minneapolis, MN apparently slinging crack to support yourself but you are playing two roles in this drama we call life. Well done. Everyone must be fooled by your clever ruse. Shakespeare couldn't create a character more complex than you my darling. Bravo.

You then proceeded to call another friend and go right back to your rant that would make a sailor blush. Regrettably at this point it was my stop. As much as I would have loved to stay on the bus to the end of the line to hear the same story again, I had to get home. As I was getting off I turned to get a look at you. Who could this siren be on 11C? I must have one glimpse at the visage of the fire of my loins.

MeOW baby.

So madam, if you're reading this, and not in high school, how bout it? I was the guy you probably thought had parkinson's from all the convulsing I was doing to keep from busting a nut. (I did it again!)

If not, I understand. Be safe my darling. Whenever I get on the 11 bus I'll look to the back and bust a nut thinking about you.
(I'm so WITH IT!)

PS Please don't flag this down Minnesota CLers. Who are you to stand in the path of true love?

PPS If she is in fact in high school, I'm 6'3" a Taurus, and a vegetarian. I enjoy art, music, living life and busting nuts with my grandparents. (Huggy Bear has NOTHING on me baby!)

Meet Star

2008-04-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

Ted here.

So my friend Star in Chicago and I used to chat online when we had office jobs. Star is a fiery ball of Cuban rage, and is always hassling me to draw her more pictures. So one night she was complaining (again) about not catching Lost because her TV is an asshole. So I drew this little number.

Enjoy.

Non-Smoking

2008-04-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

So (this is Ian), I got a pen tablet for Christmas. This was my first lil' experiment, drawing without pen & paper. All digital. (The second experiment was the "Watchman" pic below.) I used Comic Life for the layout--and, as you can clearly see, there's only one real image, which is repeated throughout the frames. I'm lazy, I know.

Metaphor

2008-04-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sure this means something to someone.

Not me, though. Nope.

Ian so crazy!

2008-04-18T07:58:00.000-07:00

Ian doctored this up late last night.

I think it's hilarious.

In case you didn't notice, we're both pretty intense fanboys, and are really excited/apprehensive for the new Watchmen movie. (In case you haven't read Watchmen, stop what you're doing and go to Borders or Barnes and Noble or your local bookstore and secure a copy. It's PERFECT. I'm not exaggerating. It's a perfect comic book.)

Anyhoo, he made this and I think it's an accurate portrayal of our feelings.

Some art!

2008-04-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

These are some random paintings I did. I like drawings!

One is a representation of my trip to Chicago, when I got drunk and belligerent in the middle, Star's play on the left (which starred the director and playwright in the leading role. He loved his play so much that he savored every syllable, rendering the play into a veritable orgy of self-congratulation and pretention.) Meanwhile on the right, Star was all shades of horny for my sexy ass, and I wasn't feelin' it.

The other is just something I doctored up. Kind of like a self portrait? Maybe not.

Crap I draw at the office when I get bored sometimes.

2008-04-17T13:24:00.001-07:00

This was an actual conversation overheard at my office. Ian and I used to take every Tuesday to come up with a theme and send each other drawings about it. It was one of the few highlights of my otherwise mundane life.

Ian & Ted's Picture Pages is ONLINE

2008-04-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

It has begun. These two bastards have finally gotten off their lazy asses and started writing a blog. God help us. This will be a site where we'll put our witty rantings and silly drawings online. More to come!